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If you have a separate management server, just upload the R81.20 CPUSE package into its repository and upgrade using SmartConsole. It handles all of the steps for you. Seriously, it's great. Saves so much headache.

For your question about removing a member from the cluster and adding it back, no, you absolutely don't remove a member from the cluster.

For your question about forcing a failover, it's clusterXL_admin. The XL is uppercase.

Be aware that a "zero-downtime upgrade" is probably not what you think it is. It means there is no point at which new connections cannot be formed, but it drops ongoing connections. You probably want a multi-version cluster upgrade, which involves the 'cphaconf mvc on'.